


Happy

by mattzerella_sticks



Series: Season 14 Inspired [24]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Feels, Castiel & Sam Winchester Friendship, Castiel (Supernatural) Drives, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel Loves Sam Winchester, Castiel's new car is very similar to Dean's Impala, Coda, Comforting Castiel (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Depressed Sam Winchester, Episode: s14e15 Peace of Mind, Honest Communication of Feelings (somewhat), M/M, Post 14x15, Recovering Castiel (Supernatural), Season/Series 14, Sweet Castiel (Supernatural), Sweet Dean Winchester, The Empty (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-18 08:42:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18117290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mattzerella_sticks/pseuds/mattzerella_sticks
Summary: Coda to 14x15 "Peace of Mind"It's a long while between Arkansas and Kansas, and Sam & Cas had to fill that time somehow. Cas knew that there were things he shared and needed to share with the younger Winchester, things he believed could make him feel better. Hopefully he gets through to him. Their bond may not be 'profound', but Cas values it all the same.





	Happy

**Author's Note:**

> 'Pleasantville' was good (not as good as 'Ouroboros' but lbr I'm only saying that because that ended on such a button I could sleep easily whereas this makes my pulse race and creative juices flow).
> 
> I loved the Sam & Cas moments, and really appreciated how Cas was there for Sam and wished to see more of that. Therefore, this fic was born! Get ready though, it's the first of three codas I have planned.
> 
> Buckle up, babies!

            Castiel wanted to say something. He’d been silent for the remainder of the hunt, too lost in his own thoughts to do more than answer simple questions. Sam took the reigns, thankfully, helping Sunny to clean up her father's mess. She used her powers one final time to make everyone in town forget the illusion they were trapped in, rendering any memories of the past few months a blank slate. All Castiel did was drive them around town in his car, watching the citizens return to their senses. After exchanging contact information with her, they said goodbye to Charming Acres and began the long journey home.

            The closer they drove, however, the more uncomfortable Sam looked. He shifted in his seat, stretching his legs as best he can. “Maybe adjust it a little?”

            “Are you sure?” Castiel asked, “Dean made sure it was the appropriate length, the same as in his car.”

            Sam rolled his eyes, muttering under breath. “It’s not the only thing that’s _similar_ …”

            Castiel chose not to answer. He had none to give. His car was a gift from Dean, the elder Winchester leading him to the garage with his hands over Castiel’s eyes. He surprised him with it, the sleek, beige model sitting quite comfortably next to Dean’s own car, a near exact replica of Baby. “I saw it out on a lot and knew it’d be great,” Dean explained, babbling and unable to meet Castiel’s eyes, “After some tough love, I brought the best out. Even painted it nice and stuff, like your trench coat.”

            The kind gesture moved him beyond words. But none were necessary, as the soft touch to Dean’s face and the tight hug he wrapped him in spoke more than all the entries in the dictionary combined.

            After Sam rolled the window back up for the fourth time, Castiel decided to intervene. “You’re nervous.”

            “No I’m not.” His response was too sudden, too loud; obvious to both of them that he lied.

            Understanding how sensitive Winchesters get when emotionally exposed and flayed, Castiel tried a different approach. He glanced to his right, studying Sam’s guarded expression and stiff shoulders. Castiel started, “If I wasn’t aware of the unsettling nature of this town, I’d have believed you were really happy Sam.”

            It was the right wrong thing to say. Sam, taken aback by the direction Castiel took, fell for the bait. “What do you mean?”

            “Well, you had a wife, a stable home,” Castiel continued, shrugging, “Isn’t that the dream of happiness everyone searches for?”

            Sam scoffs. “Are you looking for a wife?”

            “I think you and I both know a wife isn’t in the cards for _me_.”

            He waited for Sam’s response. Fiddling with the radio, searching for a station that wasn’t pure country. In the back of his mind, he wished he hadn’t forgotten Dean’s mixtape in his other truck. By the time he settled on some soft rock, Sam seemed ready to talk.

            “That wasn’t real happiness,” Sam admitted, so quiet even the radio overpowered him. His senses managed to pick up on it, however.

            “What’s happiness to you then, Sam?”

            They still have hours to go before returning home, and Castiel will happily wait until Sam feels ready to talk again. He noticed how Michael’s defeat has been weighing on his soul, crushing his spirit in a tight vice. His fear and misery were loud enough for Castiel to feel, except surrounding them were massive walls the younger Winchester was too stubborn to tear down.

            Dean confessed to him before his and Sam’s last hunt how helpless he felt. Sensitivity and raw emotions weren’t his strong suit – barely able to tell Castiel any of this, only doing so because of the comforting blanket of darkness. When they came back from it, Castiel clearly saw the physical and emotional exhaustion pouring out of him. Believing he was letting Sam down. Castiel came to the conclusion that he sat on his ass long enough, and gladly stepped up to look after Sam. Being there, keeping him safe until he was ready to talk.

            Nearly a half-hour passed before Sam cleared his throat.

            “Yes?”

            “I was pretty happy, before,” Sam told him, “Even with Michael locked in Dean’s mind it was… it was all good.” He tapped out an uneven rhythm on Castiel’s dashboard. “We were all together and I felt… I felt like my life was going somewhere. Like after years of taking hits, we were finally building something that could be _better_ than just you or me. That could save more and more people than any of us _ever_ could. I allowed myself to –“ His voice broke, and Castiel was kind enough to disregard how his knuckles brush away a few stray tears. “To let others in. And yeah, I knew that some point we were going to lose some of our friends. But the – the _massacre_ that happened, that I… _let_ happen by not locking Dean away –“

            “You are not responsible for _that_ Sam,” Castiel interrupted, “We both would have done _anything_ to keep Dean from his horrible and idiotic plan.”

            It’s watery, but a chuckle nonetheless. “I guess I shouldn’t have expected too much,” Sam said, “The shoe has to drop at some point.”

            The beat dragged out between them, Castiel making sure Sam finished. When it became clear he had, he took the wheel on their conversation.

            “Do you remember what I said earlier?” he asked, “To help break you from that wretched man’s influence?”

            Sam hummed in the affirmative.

            “I still mean it,” Castiel said, “You and I we’re… we’re very similar, now more than ever. I understand the burden you’re carrying, and appreciate telling me all that you have.”

            “How do you do it?” Sam asked him, “All the responsibility… all the – all the _failure_?”

            “It wasn’t easy,” Castiel told him, “I let my mistakes drag me under in a vicious cycle, where I believed that only by proving myself useful that maybe I… maybe I’d matter. How I wasn’t some despicable thing that infected everything. That I wasn’t… _broken_.” He shuddered at that, already dancing on the edge of a cliff he spent too long climbing back up from. For Sam, he’d flirt with that darkness once more.

            “Was that _really_ how you felt?”

            “It’s okay, these feelings were not something I liked to share…”

            “Have you though?” Sam prodded, “Now that it’s behind you?”

            “I… might have,” Castiel said, “pieces, here and there. Small doses.”

            Sam nodded, leaning back in his seat. “Yeah, probably for the best. If Dean heard all of that at once –“

            “My confessions are not burdens,” Castiel said, “They’re _healing_. I spent too long isolating myself, convinced that I didn’t belong – here on Earth and up in Heaven. If it weren’t for all of you I don’t… I don’t know where I’d be now. _That_ is how I made peace with it all. With the help of my _family_.”

            Sam nodded, his crestfallen features smoothing back into something calmer. “I’m glad you’re in a good place, Cas.”

            He shrugged. “It’s better than where I was.”

            “Do you think I can come back from this?”

            “You’re one of the strongest people I know Sam. Of course you will.” Blushing, Sam shook his hair out behind him, hiding his pleased grin. To help with the mood, Castiel carried on. “You also have the most beautiful hair I’ve ever seen, too.”

            A laugh escaped Sam’s lips, cutting across the tension in the car. Pleasure curled itself in Castiel’s gut, the sound delightful after the long hours of silence and adequate music.

            Sam chuckled again, more freely. “Now I know you’re telling me the truth,” he said, “Dean wouldn’t have told you to babysit me if you were going to support my hair habits.”

            His good mood fell before it even began. He turned to Sam, eyebrows drawn in confusion. “What?”

            “I mean… I know I’m not the first person you’d rather be with,” Sam continued, babbling, “You and I don’t have the same kind of bond you and Dean do…”

            Castiel decided it’s better to speak up now, interrupting Sam’s rambling. “You’re right, my relationship with you is much different than the one I have with Dean. But it doesn’t mean I hold you any lesser to my heart. I meant it when I said you and I are a lot alike. You understand me in ways that even Dean cannot. You are not alone. I’m lucky to have you as a friend Sam, and I hope you feel the same.”

            From the corner of his eye, Sam nodded. Clearing his throat, he said, “Yeah. The best kind of friend.”

            A happy rumble purred, and Castiel wasn’t sure if it was from his car or himself. “Good,” he said, returning his attention to the road.

            With his mind free of the speeches and emotions he bottled up for so long, Castiel allowed himself to slip into a trance. Where his focus was locked on the road ahead, keeping track of the mile markers so he knew how much closer he was from home.

            Sam wasn’t done, however, and he approached Castiel once more. “Yes, Sam?”

            “I… while we’re talking about happiness and all that,” Sam drawled, choosing his words carefully, “I know I haven’t been the easiest to deal with –“

            “You were going through so much Sam –“

            “I know but… but even though I had my head buried in my tablet, I still noticed a few things.”

            “Really?”

            “And Dean he… he was smiling exactly how I wanted to. Free from all the weights and worries… I don’t think I’ve ever seen him let down his guard completely. That’s only been happening around you.”

            Castiel tightened his grip on the steering wheel, cautious not to let his face reveal the machinations of his heart. “It is a truly wondrous sight, although I am curious why you’re bringing this up?”

            Sam snorted, bumping his fist lightly to his shoulder. “You’re smarter than this, Cas. Of course you do. I wouldn’t be a good brother – or a good _friend_ – if I didn’t ask what was going on between the two of you.”

            It’s a turn Castiel wish Sam hadn’t taken. Talking about his problems were so much easier, things he conquered once already. Sam wasn’t ready to handle the oozing, black tentacles squeezing his heart.

            “Dean has, in the past few weeks, been more open,” Castiel began, cautiously, “It surprised me as well. We had fallen into this comfortable pattern already, I never let myself think it could become even more so…”

            “He really cares for you…”

            “I know.”

            “Has he told you?”

            “No… everything between us remains unspoken, still.”

            “Do you want it to?”

            Castiel sighed. “Some things don’t need a name. As it is now, I am content with our relationship. If Dean decides he is not then that is a conversation we’ll have to have.” He prayed Sam dropped it, unsure where to go if he chose to continue.

            Luckily Sam did, fiddling with the radio instead. “ _You_ don’t have any rules about this do you?”

            “Have at it.”

            They’re closing in on the Bunker. Sam switched the station to something faster, power chords slamming into him. “Sorry,” he said, “This is kind of like lullabies to me… gonna try and catch some sleep before getting back. I’m not even sure I can…”

            “I’ll be fine, Sam,” Castiel told him, “Sleep. You deserve it.”

            Slumping across the window, Castiel waited until he heard Sam’s breathing even out. Assured he wouldn’t be disturbed, he slowly pushed out a litany of curses. Sam inched close around his dark secret, one he wasn’t ready to tell either Winchester brother. If he had to, he would tell Sam. But he’s not selfish enough to do that to him. Sam has so many other things going on with him; Castiel wouldn’t force his own problems onto him. Especially when he already knew how to keep the Empty at bay.

            He only hoped Dean would never take the next step.

            Heart unsettled, he dialed up the only person who can make him feel better even at risk to his own safety. Dean answered on the second ring.

            “Cas, where’ve you been man? You and Sam decide to give me the silent treatment?”

            A smile arose without thought. “Not by choice,” he said, “If you have the time, I’d love to tell you what happened.”

            “I always have time for you, Cas.”

**Author's Note:**

> Did you like? I sure did!
> 
> Let me know what you think by dropping a kudos, a comment, or both!


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